Posted in Life

Taking a moment to look at my surroundings

So

It is 01:14 AM

It is raining (again) when it is supposed to the end of May, but the UK being the wonderful country we are it of course is raining. I had leftover takeaway for supper (so much for the healthy eating, but it is the weekend and I am being naughty before forcing myself to behave from Monday).

I am multi-tasking as usual, I have done some rearranging downstairs, I am now writing and chatting to a friend online, watching Friends  and just finished listing a few items on Ebay, which no doubt nobody will buy, even though people are looking for the items!! It really annoys me.

The dog is sat next to me and the wife is away for the night, there are plenty of people living in this area compared to the old house but there are many creepy noises to be heard when alone with the dog in the house, tapping windows, the rain, wind and things falling. This is what happens when I am left alone, freaking myself out for no reason what so ever.

For some strange reason I am wide awake, excited about writing, chatting, watching TV and have an urge to do some Art, however my collection of canvasses are big and paint supply low so that causes problems, I could draw but then things get messy and I get bored eventually when I realise my drawing aren’t as good as they use to be.

I have dreams!! I have ambitions and I am excited about them right now, but this excitement will soon turn to disappointment , my moods are up and down nowadays. I would love to write a book, and share my stories, but I am a terrible writer and would not know where to start. I wish to draw and paint and share the thoughts in my writing to images that inspire. I wish to share and teach. I want to be an inspiration. I would love to have the confidence to be in pictures and on TV, but looking at myself now, TV would never happen.

I feel excitement and busy, but deep down upset and alone. It is hard to explain but you can be in a room full of people but inside you are so alone, feeling that you could be shouting and waving about but not one person would batter an eyelid.

It is hard to live everyday life when things knock you down, thoughts knock you down. I knock myself down.

Stacie-Mai xx

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Posted in Mental Health

The Devil that is self Harm

Intentionally damaging and injuring the body.

A way of coping.

Bleeding instead of crying, but most of the time doing both.

A visual reminder of the low times in life.

I don’t know what led me to self harm, I don’t remember the first time I did it. I remember punishing myself by not eating, losing weight. I would refuse painkillers for sporting injuries, including  a chronic injury I had as a teenager. I fell out with friends, sometimes protecting them but in the long run upsetting them because I actually thought I deserved to be hated by friends.

As I grew out of the petty school girl arguments, life started kicking in and genuine concerns in life got in the way, leading to more self harming. Now I believe I was quite clever in how I self harmed, I did not self harm deeply as I knew that scars would be too obvious and wounds too obvious. I loved researching injuries and self harm websites, learning how to hide marks, keeping them clean because let’s face it if it gets infected you get caught!! Scars looked lovely but in reality it was important to cover up and keep quiet.

I urge anyone that is having feelings of self harming, or already doing so to get help, because if you don;t then you can really hurt yourself and cause injuries that can haunt you forever. You can contact me through this site if you want advice, I am always here to help! Even if I cannot help myself as well. It is in my nature to help others.

(NHS Direct)

Useful organisations

There are a number of organisations you can contact that offer support and advice for people who self-harm, as well as their friends and families. These include:

Remember : Stay Strong

Stacie-Mai xx

Posted in Mental Health

Weight, History and Eating Disorders

Pretty much everyone has body worries, too tall, too short, no thigh gap, or for most of us….

TOO FAT!!

I come under the obese category, 5 ft 5 inches and 103kg. BMI of 37.3 (lower than what I was!)

When I was in school I went through a stage of eating less and liking the results, the results of this “experiment” (at the time) was me going from about 10 stone down to 6. Luckily for me the only people who realised I was losing weight were the “popular girls” in school who noticed when I hit 8 stone, from then on I got changed in the toilet cubicle and nobody realised what was happening to me.

I considered myself at the time as anorexic, Well I guess I was, Living off a tub of Nutella spread for 3 weeks and air, how I survived I do not know! I loved the lifestyle, the results, being able to see bones, I thought they were beautiful.

Still to this day my family do not know about this struggle, a few of my close friends and the wife are the only people who know I had issues. I have hardly any pictures of this time, if I did I think I would have gone down that route again because I know what results to expect! I do NOT have the willpower to live that lifestyle now! Part of me wishes I did but deep down I know it is not the right way to do things and that my health is more important.

MY REALITY SLAP IN THE FACE!!

I needed two teeth out, and being under 16 my mam would have to be around, for weighing, check ups and the General Anesthetic. Within 6 weeks I was back to just over 9 stone. Just in time for the surgery. She didn’t suspect a thing!! Although the dentist I initially saw before being referred to the surgical team did pull me aside from my mam and ask if I was ok due to him noticing acid damage to teeth and general warning signs for eating disorders and purging, I managed to get away with saying I had been ill the week before and he accepted that!!

It is hard for me to see myself and the way I use to be, I still cannot believe that I weigh almost triple what I use to!! It makes me angry, upset and disappointed in myself. But equally I am proud of getting over anorexia myself!! I guess it shows me what a strong person I was at the time.

I used my story as inspiration for my Art, and got an A in my exams with the theme contributing to the final grade.

5fd0b73af0279c11592b62701c0455c8 Inspiration from Pinterest.

I still don’t tell people I am recovering from and Eating Disorder, I believe I still have one, I have gone from one extreme to another. The NHS just tell me to join Weight Watchers, from friends they suggest Slimming World is better, but I do not have the spare income to waste, I realise it would be good in the long haul but I do not have the spare money.

Demi Lovato is a huge inspiration for me. Not only do I love her music, I love the way she shares her story and is so open about her experiences. I though at one point I had bipolar, I did not ever pursue this as I spent too much time “researching on Google” and realised I was making things bigger than they were, but I still used her an my inspiration and my idol. and I still do to this day.  She inspires me through music, tattoos, sharing and using her job to do good. If I met her I would hug her and say thank you. Before of course asking for a job travelling and sharing stories!!

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Stacie-Mai xx

Posted in PCOS and Fertility

This thing they call PCOS

At present PCOS defines me….                             

It was first mentioned when I snuck to the shops but actually went to the doctor secretly at 15. 9 years later I let this rule me, and it is slowly taking over.

The NHS defines PCOS as:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition that affects how a woman’s ovaries work.

PCOS affects millions of women in the UK.

The three main features of the condition are:

  • cysts that develop in your ovaries (polycystic ovaries)
  • your ovaries do not regularly release eggs (ovulate)
  • having high levels of “male hormones” called androgens in your body

You will usually be diagnosed with PCOS if you have at least two of these features.

Those 3 bullet points….I TICK ALL THREE!!

I have had one surgical procedure (private through health insurance, I refused to wait 18 months)and was due another but doctors decided to wait it out instead.

  
My last period : 23rd February 2015

Difficulty getting pregnant: very now due to same sex marriage but before I was in relationships which never resulted in pregnancy. There was one possible pregnancy, I say possible because I suffered symptoms of a miscarriage after a + pregnancy test but before confirming with my Doctor.

Excessive Hair growth……The worst thing in my life. The face is the worst!!!! Any tips on dealing with this I would be greatful. With my job I can only shave before work and after, when realistically I need to shave two more times during shift. I pluck sometimes but I barely get through any of it as it takes so long and my eyes hurt and oh the headaches!! I cannot focus that long on my chin, neck and face!! I could go on and on about hair growth but I will stop here!!

Weight gain!! I use to be 10 stone, then just under three years with my ex boyfriend, working in retail and eating out = 4 stone weight gain!! I use to have an eating disorder and went down to 6 stone before coming to my senses!! But since 14 stone I have gone uo and down to 18 stone if not 19. So working in kg now I am 102, was 104.5 a week and a half ago but due to food poisoning I lost 5kg and put on a couple when I started getting better. 102kg is my starting point again.

My IVF goal is a BMI of 30, I need to be about 80KG and need to achieve this ASAP!! but this is a huge stuggle for me. 

My hair has always been thick but I have developed thinning on the hair line, not so much of an issue at present but my hair falls out so much now. More than my dogs hair!!

I was never a massively spotty teenager, had the odd spot here and there but its more of an issue now, not as bad as others but it bothers me!!

Anyhows….

There is no cure!! Some people do stop their symptoms through changing their lifestyle but deep down it does not get rid of the condition.

I know I could make a huge effort to change my lifestyle but equally I am not as well equipt with knowledge as I think I am!!
The two pictures on this post are courtesy of NHS Choices.

Stacie-Mai xx

Posted in About Me

Scary Stuff

I get judged a lot….

Not for looking ‘Gay’ or whatever label people give my situation, (by the way I identify as Bisexual, but that doesn’t matter anyway!)

I get judged because I work long days, I am overweight, I have tattoos, and I support structure and discipline, and I hate liars. I am open and totally understand that everyone has a different life, different opinions and lifestyle choices. I don’t judge people for their choices in life although a few people think I do. You cannot please everyone!!

My choice to go through via the NHS and ask for help to have a family is not because I am married to a woman, but because of my PCOS and failure to ovulate. If I could ovulate then it would be a simple task of find a donor and buy some of his finest swimmers. I have been judged a lot by people that don’t understand this situation.

I have decided to open up slightly as my feelings have been building up and even though I love my wife I don’t open up completely as I am afraid of hurting her and pushing her away. Hence the most probably poorly structured blog ever!!

Tara for now

Stacie-Mai xx

Posted in About Me

A little bit about me….

Well here goes….

Stats

  • 24
  • Female
  • Married (same sex)
  • UK
  • Welsh

I have let PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) rule me for far too long!! And I am sick of it!! I have pushed away friends and family because of silly little things. BUT WAIT!! Yes they may seem silly but then I realised that they aren’t always silly to PCOS sufferers. But seem extremem to those that may not understand the condition.

It is about time this is discussed more , espexially considering it is estimated 1 in 10 Women have PCOS (although don’t quote me on that!!)

Me and the wife are on the NHS IVF waiting list, main concern now is weight, which is sooo difficult and a touchy subject for me!! You’ll find out why laters!

Stacie-Mai xx