Taking a moment to look at my surroundings

So

It is 01:14 AM

It is raining (again) when it is supposed to the end of May, but the UK being the wonderful country we are it of course is raining. I had leftover takeaway for supper (so much for the healthy eating, but it is the weekend and I am being naughty before forcing myself to behave from Monday).

I am multi-tasking as usual, I have done some rearranging downstairs, I am now writing and chatting to a friend online, watching Friends  and just finished listing a few items on Ebay, which no doubt nobody will buy, even though people are looking for the items!! It really annoys me.

The dog is sat next to me and the wife is away for the night, there are plenty of people living in this area compared to the old house but there are many creepy noises to be heard when alone with the dog in the house, tapping windows, the rain, wind and things falling. This is what happens when I am left alone, freaking myself out for no reason what so ever.

For some strange reason I am wide awake, excited about writing, chatting, watching TV and have an urge to do some Art, however my collection of canvasses are big and paint supply low so that causes problems, I could draw but then things get messy and I get bored eventually when I realise my drawing aren’t as good as they use to be.

I have dreams!! I have ambitions and I am excited about them right now, but this excitement will soon turn to disappointment , my moods are up and down nowadays. I would love to write a book, and share my stories, but I am a terrible writer and would not know where to start. I wish to draw and paint and share the thoughts in my writing to images that inspire. I wish to share and teach. I want to be an inspiration. I would love to have the confidence to be in pictures and on TV, but looking at myself now, TV would never happen.

I feel excitement and busy, but deep down upset and alone. It is hard to explain but you can be in a room full of people but inside you are so alone, feeling that you could be shouting and waving about but not one person would batter an eyelid.

It is hard to live everyday life when things knock you down, thoughts knock you down. I knock myself down.

Stacie-Mai xx

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