The First Time My Illness Brought Me to Tears.

I was 15 when I first realised my symptoms. I just put it down to the recent Eating Disorder Behaviour. Where I dropped from about 11 stone to just under 6 stone. Nobody noticed except my close friend noticed and I put weight back on to be 9 stone prior to having some teeth out; as I knew they would weigh me for the general anaesthetic. My periods were all over the place, mainly absent, and I was getting abdominal discomfort. I snuck to the Doctors one afternoon and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) was mentioned, the Doctor ordered blood tests and they were done that week. In 2010 I had surgery to remove 2 cysts from the ovary but still had no true diagnosis of PCOS.The last few years has been scans, blood tests, exams and consultant visits. Now I’m 25, having been on Metformin for 4 years and now have an official diagnosis of PCOS. I believed I handled the condition pretty well, it affects quite a lot of women and it isn’t really talked much about. I have longed for my own family since I was 14, but wanted to finish my education first and get a job and do it when is sensible for me to do so. At 17, in my first relationship the discussion of children came up during that 3-year relationship, but it was clear the time was not right for my partner at the time, however for most of that time I stopped taking my contraceptive pill as it was making my symptoms worse, especially the weight gain.

I suffered a miscarriage during this time but never managed to conceive again.

That relationship ended and I was approached by a friend who agreed to help me conceive a child. Still no Luck. I met my wife in 2012, we married in 2014.

By 2012 I was seeing the consultant at the hospital and awaiting to go through fertility treatment to have children, even if I would have been on my own. This is my goal in life. The first time PCOS brought me to tears was when I went to see my consultant having lost over 50 inches off my whole body but my weight didn’t reflect that loss. My Consultant was unable to send me to the next stage of treatment, the IUI/IVF because my BMI was 34.4, the goal was under 35, but yet 34.4 was not enough it had to be 34. This is the first time my PCOS actually made me cry.

I coped with the surgery, the miscarriage and the daily challenges the condition brings me. But this one incident with the Doctor, where I am being denied my only chance of being a mother because I cannot get my weight down enough.

It isn’t like I’m not trying, I am. I have my bad days like everyone when it comes to Food but I thought I was doing really well following my Diet Plan. But I find my PCOS symptoms messes with my blood sugar and makes it even more difficult to lose weight.

I was told to come back in 6 months and if my weight wasn’t down I would be discharged from the department until my weight was down.

It hurts because If I could afford to go private I would and if I could get pregnant without the help of Doctors and treatment then I would.

But I cannot.

The one thing a woman’s body should do – Mine is unable to do.

And that hurts.

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