Mental Health Awareness Letters – 5th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 5 – To the ex boyfriend who told me to leave at 03:30AM.

I was 17 when we first met, my first love. He was a colleague, who was a University Student and owned a flat in Cardiff Bay, his parents were lovely and treated me amazingly. I dreamed of our marriage, children and future homes.

Like everyone, we had our little couple arguments, our fun times and sad times. I got to visit Portugal and revisit New York (Business Class!!) as well having supportive ‘in-laws’.

I remember there being an event and the brake lights on the car not working, so I could not pick my boyfriend up from wherever he was (possibly a University event) and he had to take the bus home. I felt terrible but legally I could not drive without any brake lights and being young and a fairly new driver, it would have cost me a lot if I got caught or had an accident. It turns out that the lights were fine but it was the sensor under the brake pedal- it had been forced down during an emergency stop earlier that day and once it is pushed down it to a certain extent it does not rise, meaning the brake lights do not get activated.

Anyway, that night brought an argument followed by a few days of not speaking and a tense atmosphere. In bed at 03:30am I stupidly rolled over and said something silly about me not being spoken to and all I remember being told at the end of that conversation was to “get out” – I was hurt and angry so I got up and started packing ( in my mind it was not my house so if I was being told to go I had to go) I thought by the next day after being up all night packing that it would end with an apology, kiss and makeup situation. But it didn’t, I left.

This was the first impulsive decision I remember making, this was nearly 3 years into my first serious relationship. Bringing many firsts and came to an abrupt end.

Within 6 months I had left the country, changed my hair colour, got more tattoos and had to move back into my parents’ house and I was devastated. My life did perk up when we met for a coffee, I was still naive and thought we would get back together, but we never did. Meanwhile, I was being told he was sleeping with someone else within 3 weeks of me leaving- obviously this was never confirmed by him but judging by her behaviour I think that was the case.

Why am I telling this story? I have never written about it before and maybe it helps me to heal those permanent wounds. Perhaps it could be because it helps me identify when things really started changing for me, when I first started to make impulsive decisions.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have moved on. I am married, with dogs and a house. I have a rough plan drafted out for my future and I am happy with my life. But naturally you can’t help but wonder. You may never read this but I think if you do, you will know it is our story and you may understand how you made me feel, both during the happy times and our ending.

I still cannot listen to this song without feeling sad;

Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they’re not shinin’
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying
She’s so beautiful and I tell her everyday
Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her she won’t believe me
And it’s so, it’s so sad to think that she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me “Do I look okay?”
I say
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change ’cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are
Yeah
Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
Her laugh, her laugh she hates but I think it’s so sexy
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her everyday
Oh you know, you know, you know I’d never ask you to change
If perfect’s what you’re searching for then just stay the same
So don’t even bother asking if you look okay, you know I’ll say
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause, girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause, girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
Yeah

 

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