Posted in About Me, Mental Health

The end of an era – my last day at work πŸšπŸš¨πŸ“žβŒ¨οΈ

Today I wore my Uniform for the last time and today I took my last 999 call.


The last few years I have gone from job to job, gaining experience, life skills and trying to find someone that makes me happier in myself.

I have struggled massively (mostly in secret) with my anxiety, grief and life over the last year or so more than usual and it has effected my health, my mind and my everyday life.

I will be moving on to a job where a I can focus on my health, my mental health and help others at the same time. It will work great alongside my degree as well; and hopefully help settle my insomnia.

The past 17 months has been a rollercoaster and I will miss my colleagues at my old workplace.

Today was scary, exciting and the end of a journey. I am very scared for my new job but I think that is good.

Fear drives motivation. I need to control my fear and not let it control me.

On to my next journey.

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Posted in About Me, Life, Mental Health

I may be overweight now, but I was Anorexic

I loved school, but I went through hell during Secondary School.

At about aged 14 I started a diet; I was maybe about 10 stone to start and was reasonably fit (I did a lot of sport) even battling with my knee.

When I hit about 8 stone I was getting changed in school for PE and a few of the girls asked if I had lost weight and said I looked good – at this point I felt good because I upped my exercise and limited calories to reach this goal but it dawned on me that these girls actually must have noticed what I looked like before- for them to comment on my weight now.

This made me quite self-conscious, making me concentrate on my weight even more.

Then started the downward spiral to a lighter weight.

I cut back more and more, I did a paper round after school and I use to say that I got food when I was out or that I would grab something later, most of the time my mother left it at that, sometimes I did eat a little later, other times I had some little pasties and I would have one in the evening.(sometimes the bag of 10 would last 10 days, these were tiny little pasties – looking back I am surprised they never went mouldy or made me ill 🀒)

Within these 3 weeks or so I had gone from 10 stone to 7 and in a further week I dropped to about 6 stone – or 38kg /83 lbs.

I was pale and looked ill but nobody noticed!!

I lived on hardly any food and my energy levels started to drop – what brought me back to my sense was the fact that my dentist said I had to have a tooth out under general anaesthetic and because I was 14 I would need an adult with me. So the fear of anyone (especially my mother) finding out forced my to put on 3 stone. I was 9 stone when they weighed me before my general and nobody battered an eyelid.

My 15th Birthday was a few days later; I don’t have any photos of me at my lightest – but this is me at 9 stone on my birthday;

Me at the front in the brown top!


Now I am a lot heavier, I get extremely self conscious and most days I wish I was anorexic again, but I know that is not the way to healthy. My PCOS started at 15, not long after putting my weight back on and due to my metabolism, PCOS, shift work, blood sugar evens and numerous other reasons I am struggling to lose the weight.

Dieting is a culture these days and I don’t want to be a bad example. Exercise and healthier eating is the way forward. And might I add me needing to lose weight is now a medical need and I have to be a “healthy BMI” for some hospital treatment – I am doing it for my health as advised by Medical Professionals.

Please don’t suffer in silence if you are suffering with an eating disorder, you don’t have to be thin to have an eating disorder Speak to someone, reach out and acknowledge you need help.

Posted in About Me, Health, Mental Health, PCOS and Fertility

Trying to get healthy….

So I have been off work for about a month, in that time I have had few good days and several bad days, creeping into a depressive state; not experienced before.

Good days have included a house viewing and a mortgage application (successful but still attempting to find the perfect home – we saw one home but it had a mould issue and may have been too much work 😭)  The disapointment of knowing we wouldn’t be getting this in need of work dream home led to insomnia πŸŒžπŸŒ™πŸŒžπŸŒ™πŸŒž

Bad days have included, sleep, neglecting myself in forms of not brushing hair or eating, and just sleeping. I have deferred another University Module, but I have made positive changes and next “years” Uni (october 2017) I have chosen two modules that will replace the credits at level 2 I should be finishing now, but now these new ones will focus on Mental Health and get me where I want to be. 

I have made some positive steps in the last week, finally had my second referall telephone call from the primary mental health team….Why do they always ask ‘so tell me whats been going on’ Yh hello you have a referral letter telling you that and it is difficult to say it out loud. 😳😳 I don’t think they were expecting me to have so many issues and history of so many problems πŸ˜’

Went back to the GP and I am now on a new medication to try, After my hair problem from previous meds I had decided no more meds but the Primary Mental Health Care team made me realise that this is a part of me and if there is something that can reduce anxiety and panic then I should try it.

  • I want to smile,
  • I want to be happy,
  • I want to not worry,
  • I want to speak out and do talks and help speak out for those that need encouragement,
  • I want to inspire,
  • I want to have more confidence 
  • I just want to be happy……..

I have also been sent a self help book from the Team for anxiety – so I will blog on that once I have read it!

πŸ€” I do have some exciting news too, BUT for now it has to be kept under wraps as it only fuels gossip and I find people talk about me enough as it is; without fuelling their fire πŸ”₯πŸ”₯ πŸ€”

πŸΎπŸŒžπŸŒ™πŸ’¦πŸš™πŸš˜πŸ•β›ΊοΈπŸžπŸ›£

We are heading on Holidays soon, camping and driving each day, it is about time we travel the Country we live in – North Wales here we come!!

Posted in About Me, Health, Life

Been away for a while….here is a quick update πŸΆπŸΆ

I have reminded myself this week that even though my writing is not great, my grammar could be improved and not many people view this blog; it helps me, I also like to think that even if only one person reads my blog and gains some hope, happiness or a feeling that someone else feels the same way as them then I will feel that I have done something positive.

A lot has been going on since my last set of posts – The last update included my (long drawn out) appendicitis, my post op complications , anxiety and the battle with my weight.

Well…..

  • We Moved House (Again),
  • I got sick (Again),
  • My weight went up (Again),
  • I finished my Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award and Diamond Challenge Award,
  • Turning 26,
  • I joined the gym!!,
  • I got sick (yet again),
  • A bunch of my hair broke and fell out,
  • I came off my anxiety meds,
  • I started my sleeve tattoo,
  • Instagraming,
  • University,
  • My new venture……..

I Will be posting massively over the next day or two in order to catch up with everything!!

Things are changing, Time to make a change and do what is right for me….

Got to love a Big Bang Theory Quote #sheldoncooper

Posted in About Me

Scary Stuff

I get judged a lot….

Not for looking ‘Gay’ or whatever label people give my situation, (by the way I identify as Bisexual, but that doesn’t matter anyway!)

I get judged because I work long days, I am overweight, I have tattoos, and I support structure and discipline, and I hate liars. I am open and totally understand that everyone has a different life, different opinions and lifestyle choices. I don’t judge people for their choices in life although a few people think I do. You cannot please everyone!!

My choice to go through via the NHS and ask for help to have a family is not because I am married to a woman, but because of my PCOS and failure to ovulate. If I could ovulate then it would be a simple task of find a donor and buy some of his finest swimmers. I have been judged a lot by people that don’t understand this situation.

I have decided to open up slightly as my feelings have been building up and even though I love my wife I don’t open up completely as I am afraid of hurting her and pushing her away. Hence the most probably poorly structured blog ever!!

Tara for now

Stacie-Mai xx

Posted in About Me

A little bit about me….

Well here goes….

Stats

  • 24
  • Female
  • Married (same sex)
  • UK
  • Welsh

I have let PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) rule me for far too long!! And I am sick of it!! I have pushed away friends and family because of silly little things. BUT WAIT!! Yes they may seem silly but then I realised that they aren’t always silly to PCOS sufferers. But seem extremem to those that may not understand the condition.

It is about time this is discussed more , espexially considering it is estimated 1 in 10 Women have PCOS (although don’t quote me on that!!)

Me and the wife are on the NHS IVF waiting list, main concern now is weight, which is sooo difficult and a touchy subject for me!! You’ll find out why laters!

Stacie-Mai xx