Posted in Life, Mental Health

What is going on in the world?

TW (Trigger Warning) Discussions of bullying and suicide.

As I have found myself with a lot of spare time this week I have been trying to keep up to date with the news and one topic seems to be coming up more often than others and it has really hit me….

BULLYING

Seriously, what is wrong with the world? Why must people hurt others so much it makes them want to be dead?

A 14-year-old boy has ended his life in Wales this week due to bullying in School. I’m sure that this is not the only death this week due to bullying, especially in younger people and children.

Other young people are reported to be afraid of returning to school following the Summer Holidays because of bullies. Schools have bullying policies but are young people really being protected.

I was bullied when I was in school, towards the end of Primary School and in Secondary School. It possibly played a part in my anorexia in Secondary School but I sought help for the bullying when things got to a certain stage (most of the time but a lot of incidents went unreported because it was just too much effort to report). It really affected me and quite often the only thing done was a discussion between bully and teacher, sometimes with me present-nothing seems to ever be taken further. Not that I am saying that every time someone is bullied it should go to the police, but when we live in a world that is seeing an increase in Mental Health difficulties and awareness, suicides and the carrying of weapons such as knives and guns, we never know when things will get really serious or how long it will take someone to be tipped over the edge. Some people will brush bullying off their shoulders and their feelings build up over time , but other times that first instance or first severe threat or comment can result in the end of a life.

I will go further into bullying in later posts but there is an increasing level of stories about bullying in schools, homes, streets and workplaces and many of us are suffering and the bullies get away with it. Often bullies get away with their actions because of their status, their family or the fact that they have been in a company for a long time and ” would never do that” – even when other staff have reported it. One situation I have experienced is being treated badly and having a witness to this, but then this person has been spoken to and denied it and they are believed, even though I had a witness to the incident. It is incidents like this that make me not like people (and I like people!) but I have been let down and treated badly so much in life, one thing I hate is if I witness a bully, bad treatment, ‘slagging off’ or gossiping and talking badly about someone, it takes a hell of a lot of persuasion for me to make a good impression in my mind about that person, if you are one of these people I often hold a grudge against the person, you won’t know it, because I remain civil (unlike a lot of people) but secretly I do not trust you and do not like or respect you as a person.

I do not respect bullies. I will be civil and treat you with general respect – because that is the type of person I am. But I will not like you and probably not change my mind.

I am glad that Heads Together have started a campaign regarding workplace bullying.

Screen Shot 2018-09-15 at 17.09.48.png
https://www.headstogether.org.uk/2018/09/10/the-duke-of-cambridge-launches-mental-health-at-work/

I recommend a visit to this page, and encourage workplaces to use this also as the number of people who have experienced bullying in their current workplace is a huge 48%!! Here is the webpage the page also directs you to;

https://www.mentalhealthatwork.org.uk/

Screen Shot 2018-09-15 at 17.12.46Screen Shot 2018-09-15 at 17.13.20

Advertisements
Posted in About Me, Life

Why learning is important to me and how it’s impacted my life? – The Short Version….

I have decided to answer this question;

Why is learning important to you and how has it impacted your life?

 

  • In my second Primary School I met my best friend.
  • In Secondary School I went skiing in France, visited Italy and had an audience with the Pope (and thousands of others), visited New York, Philadelphia and Washington D.C as well as other trips around the UK.
  • In college I adjusted my hours to work and live with my first true love.
  • During University I joined the cheerleading squad, had a miscarriage and learnt to juggle 3 jobs as well as a Full Time Course, before leaving University, with nothing but the experience, 20 University credits and a diagnosis of Meares Irlen Syndrome and Dyspraxia.
  • During my time at my distance learning University I had difficulties with my physical and mental health, finding an online support system in a group format and finding life long friends (even though we have never met!).

Learning is my past, my present and my future.

The points above show some of the life challenges that have accompanied my learning. Without these events occurring hand in hand with learning my life would be very different. I have always been aware of those in the world that have to fight for education, those that are killed because of their fight and those that never experience education. For me, education is a privilege and to be in a country where I am given a free education (well until University anyway!!) is an amazing thing.

Learning has saved me in so many ways, I expressed my eating disorder through my art and escaped to the world of Hogwarts thanks to J.K Rowling. It is important to me to be a good example to my siblings and younger people around me, nobody in my family has been to University and whilst I am definitely taking the long way around gaining a degree, I have been rescued so many times thanks to learning and education. Education has at times been my mother, father, sibling, friend and comforting stranger when nobody else has been around.

At age 17 I started my University applications for Midwifery and Nursing and year after year was unsuccessful, I tried my hand at other things and had to move around a lot to find the work – I was chasing work to build my experience, to better myself for University and I am getting closer to my ultimate dream. There will be struggles and there will be (more) tears but I will do it!!

This Girl Can!!

cropped-healthwise-wales-promo-picture

 

I am a big believer that we all deserve an education and the right to knowledge and development during our lives, that learning doesn’t have to be University, learning is unique to each of us. Not all of us get the chance, so I grab it with both hands and love the experience. It also keeps me up to date and my brain ticking!! Learning is important to me as it helps me realise what I have overcome and allows me to believe in myself.

Learning has saved me.

Why is learning important to you?

https://www.activia.co.uk/scholarship-uk

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Today I did the dishes

Today’s accomplishment was the fact that I did the dishes, well the dirty ones we have used anyway.

I have not included all the stuff still packed in boxes that has to be washed before it is put away, purely because it has been in boxes so long it is dusty and needs a good soak!!

I still feel like cr*p and my chest hurts, not to mention I still cannot hear out of one ear!! My body hurts, each joint hurts, especially my knees – must be a sign of getting older and being overweight!! With the infection and cough running has been a big no-no so please do not ask how my half marathon training is going!!

On that note, if you can spare any pennies I would massively appreciate any donations to my page ( see link below ) every single penny goes to Mind – for better mental health.

Screen Shot 2018-08-03 at 23.05.42

Screen Shot 2018-08-03 at 23.06.37
If you are a UK Tax Payer, please remember to tick the gift aid box.

https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/StacieMai

Today I may have stayed in the house and only done the dishes, but I got up and did something – I could have stayed in bed all day!!

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Returning to Work following sick leave

TW : This post can be triggering.

I do not really know how I am feeling at the moment.

I have gone back to work after being off for the entire period of 2018. (Literally!!)

Was I ready?….No

Was it necessary?….YES!!

Thoughts I have had since being back at work;

  • Wanting to self harm.
  • Thinking I would be better off dead.
  • That I am useless, weak and stupid.
  • That I am making work for people.
  • That I do not deserve this job.

And so many mixed feelings of anger, frustration and sadness.

Being off work is difficult, if your partner works then you cannot get financial support because “your partner earns too much” and when you finally get told to apply for Universal Credit to help they tell you sorry “too much money” – after weeks of waiting, meetings and appointments!! PIP takes months and I hear more about them rejecting claims than anything and ESA you cannot get if you get SSP (although mine ended in June so I could have applied for this during my time off but didn’t as I was told I had SSP until August.)

Money is a b*tch!! We all have bills to pay but I find it a real shame that people who struggle and are going through a hard time get very limited support. Yet I know plenty of people that cheat the system and get more money than my annual income from working. (I am not judging people who do not work and that receive benefits, I am talking about several people I know that receive benefits and do not work when they could work but choose not to)

Now that rant is over. I am back at work part-time and should be building things slowly. We shall see, hopefully things improve.

To be continued….

 

 

Posted in Life, Mental Health, Travels

Volunteering Abroad to help heartbreak

In November 2010 I left the flat I lived in with my boyfriend and went back to my ‘family home’ fast forward to April/May 2011 and my story in Norway began.

A friend told me about a volunteering post that had been made vacant at short notice and I thought ‘what the hell’ applied and a week later I was being driven to Gatwick to embark upon 6 months abroad.

287997_10150279252271705_861635_o.jpg

One regret I have is not documenting my travels enough and getting more pictures of me, but I always say that when I travel and often enough when the time comes I often feel too anxious to get in front of the camera.

My time in Norway was special and memorable. Involving moments like;

  • Coming across the gangway at the end of a week trying to carry all my belongings as I had a week on land, forgetting the purse was in the side of my rucksack and all I heard was a splash. Luckily it was at ‘home’ and the water was only about 1-2 metres deep. My friend and fellow crewmate Michael got his wetsuit on and dove down and got it for me. Luckily as it had everything in it, including the Euros Dad gave me at the airport (we didn’t know at the time Norway did not use Euros).
247157_10150220385351705_1581976_n
The windowsill became the drying out area!!
  • Sailing crew only across the open part of the ocean and being asleep with a good book in the dining area, to wake up under the table with the cushions everywhere and my book across the other side of the boat – we obviously hit a big wave, which woke me up when I could only travel so far under the table!!

 

  • Climbing a mountain and finding a beach in between and stripping down to my underwear to go for a swim in the sea (and actually asking someone to take a photo!)

287161_10150288956176705_8170369_o

I have so many stories but I haven’t written them anywhere, so you may start seeing more posts about my travels.

Here are some of my beautiful pictures from my travels ‚̧

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

 

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Surviving Fathers Day

Surviving Fathers day when you have two dads; one of which has passed away.

Father’s Day is a hard day for me. A few years ago I put a post on Facebook recognising both of my fathers, including the father I lost at a young age. A few hours later I remember having my mother screaming down the phone and sending harassing messages because I had upset my dad and always upset him if I mentioned my biological father. I rang my dad that night to ask if he was ok and if I had upset him to which he stated he didn’t know what I was talking about and I hadn’t upset him.

I am lucky that I have a father that acknowledges I have a biological father and understands that his loss hurts me.

Anyway, ever since I have always acknowledged both my fathers and I do not care what anybody thinks, because it is my life, my fathers and quite frankly my decision to do whatever I want and post whatever I want.

I went two nights with no sleep and I went out from about 07:45- 15:00 then picked up the wife to pop to the shop, when I got back I was physically exhausted so my way of facing father’s day was to sleep for 21 hours!! You can call me lazy if you want but my body obviously needed it.

e32cd95157b907afc4716b805f47101d--miss-you-daddy-dad-quotes-from-daughter-daddys-girl

 

Posted in Life

Topcashback Review (plus COMPETITION details)

Have you heard of Topcashback?

It is a cashback site, basically, you need car insurance (or takeaway or shopping….etc) so you go to your TopCashBack site and make sure you are logged in, find the shop you want and click on the link via the site and as long as you meet the rules you get cashback on your purchases.

I used it for everything we needed when we bought the house, insurance, boiler cover, shopping, car insurance and generic shopping.

They also have ongoing competitions where you follow the daily clue and a flying hummingbird appears and you can win money and prize draw entries.

HINT – Today’s clue is GLOSSY BOX – Search them and when they appear the hummingbird will appear and click on it for your prize!!

Screen Shot 2018-06-13 at 02.13.52

I cannot recommend this site enough, especially if you are moving home or due renewals on insurance. You can also get gift cards for following a referral link like the one I will post below.

This post is not endorsed by TopCashBack, I am just sharing something that I think is great. For example, I wanted a free trial of a magazine service and I could sign up for the free 2 weeks and I got £6.30 for not spending a penny.

Screen Shot 2018-06-13 at 02.20.17

Through taking out the necessities for the home I managed to pay some bills whilst I have been off work and receiving SSP (statutory sick pay).

Click here to follow the link and sign up for an account. There’s plenty of free cashback available at the moment – plus you can withdraw your money in the form of gift cards and get bonus money on top, or just have it sent straight to your bank.

Let me know if you have any questions.

p.s if the link above doesn’t work just copy and paste:

https://www.topcashback.co.uk/ref/staciemai

You are Welcome xxxx

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 26th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 26 – My Joints and Muscles

I suffer from widespread chronic pain, I have no idea why and I can only identify a couple of triggers to this pain, but most of the time I have no idea why it happens.

Most of the time it is my shoulders, knees and hips but a lot of the time it is every single joint, every single muscle and just moving to change position is agonising.

This has a huge impact on my mental health and makes me feel useless at times. Especially when I want to go an exercise or actually feel in the mood to get out, yet I cannot even put my socks or shoes on.

I would appreciate if anybody has any advice on how you manage pain.

 

Posted in Books, TV, News and Social Media, Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 25th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 25 – To the upcoming Summer and no University

I really do not know how I am going to cope over the Summer with no University – although it will give me time to breathe and prepare the box room for studies commencing in the Autumn. I need to knock down a little box in the corner of the room to see what is under it and then rebuild it and hopefully make it smaller – if not I will turn it into some sort of unit.

Anyway, I am also doing some non-university courses that will help me understand CBT, train to teach and deliver training and counselling skills level 3 and 4. Definitely enough to get me through the Summer.

Although from the end of this month – Mid July I will be like this;

download

Any tips for this anxious time – made worse by anxiety and the inability to remain calm when waiting for results??

 

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 19th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 19 – To My Mother,

I upset my mother once because I didn’t have any pictures of “us together” on my Facebook page. I draw your attention to the featured image for this post, posted on my Facebook page on May 8th, 2010.

I also upset my mother when I didn’t involve her in my wedding planning, especially the dress fitting ( I measured myself and ordered the dress online-I couldn’t afford the whole bridal dress shop thing and even if I could nobody would have come because I lived in Carmarthen and everyone would have been “too busy” as always for me, it also would have been too far to travel.

Screen Shot 2018-06-09 at 02.26.42

Another time I upset Sue was when I didn’t inform her I had a first date with my now wife- we never had the type of relationship that would involve me sharing this.

In brief, there were several other times I upset Sue:

  • Not telling her I was engaged straight away.
  • Not telling her “I was gay” even though I identify as bisexual and have always indicated since a young age that anyone can fall in love with anyone and I am open to that. #lovenotgender
  • Telling her to leave me alone when the harassment got too much.
  • Telling the Police about her harassment when she wouldn’t listen the first goodness knows how many times.
  • When she was sat at the end of the bridal table. It was me and Anna in the middle with my father and an amazing lady that walked Anna down the aisle, then gran and my Best Friend then siblings and Sue sat with my young sibling. Oh, and did I mention that she could not sit next to my Brother and she wasn’t a fan of my gran or dad so in all fairness, she is lucky she sat there at all because that plan took us ages to find a way to make everyone happy.

You may have noticed that I have switched from Mother to Sue. Don’t get me wrong I do love her but she brought me into the world. Having lost a parent I do not agree with cutting out parents from your life but I am also not a huge believer in keeping people in your life when they make it negative.

I think I could write a book about our ‘relationship’ but I got to a point in life where I had to say ‘enough is enough’ And that is what I did.

So I leave you with this quote, because I am sure the time will come when I want to explain further into this topic.

But I will not say sorry, yes I have made mistakes but we all do and we learn from them.

unnamed-12-2

 

Posted in About Me, Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 17th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 17 – To the younger me

If I could go back and tell my ‘younger self’ something, it would be;

“Stand up for yourself, Leave and don’t be scared.”

This post is very short and to the point, but I watched something the other day and they were talking about their younger self and regrets, and it got me thinking about what I would tell my younger self. I had great moments in my childhood but I also had terrible times-By the time I hit my teens, I had experienced so much more than many people my age and I had to mature very quickly.

Maybe take a moment now and think about what you would tell your ‘younger self’.

What would you say??

 

Posted in Books, TV, News and Social Media, Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 16th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 16 – To The Mighty

Embracing your Needs ‚Äď With Help from¬†The Mighty.

This post is helping to share an important post I saw on The Mighty; click here to read it.

It is all about #embracinyourneeds and published the “I Need Cards” – asking to download and share the cards. I thought this was an amazing idea so you can download the cards below or visit the link above to download them directly from¬†The Mighty.

This letter is all about helping others, I hope by sharing these files/images with you that you can either use them for yourself or share them with others that you feel could benefit from them.

What I Need When – CREATE YOUR OWN

What I Need When: When my Chronic Illness keeps me home / When I don’t have any spoons left

What I Need: When I feel blah / When I “Just Can’t”

What I Need When: I’m Dissociating / I’m Triggered.

What I Need When: Experiencing Psychosis / I’m Manic

What I Need When: Struggling with my Eating Disorder / Battling Self Harm Urges

What I Need When: Going through medication change / Having a bad mental health day

What I Need When: I’m Stuck in bed with depression / Overwhelmed

What I Need When: I’m Anxious / Having a Panic Attack

You can also save the below images;

 

Thank You The Mighty for these documents.

Posted in About Me, Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 15th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 15 – To The Mighty

I first Discovered The Mighty a few years back, and have written some pieces for the site.

Screen Shot 2018-04-12 at 21.10.33

If you haven’t seen the website, please head over to the site as there are several pieces about life with chronic conditions, written by us!! real people who are living with these conditions every day. There are also pieces about parenting and lifestyle.

The Mighty has helped me through times when I needed something to do to take away negative feelings, helped me when I have been confused and helped me learn about my conditions and allowed me to find a community that actually understands-rather than those that just say they understand for the sake of it.

It is definitely worth a look, even if you are a parter, friend or relative of someone who suffers from difficulties, there is something there for you too!!

Coming up in tomorrow’s letter; Embracing your Needs – With Help from¬†The Mighty.

Posted in Health, Life, Mental Health

Update on my Running

Hi everyone!!

I have been quiet over the last few days and I do have a reason why.

I am so upset and sad with myself. I feel like I have let myself and several other people down. As you may be aware I was due to be in Manchester today, running my 10k for Mind. On a run a few days ago I felt so unwell and turned the workout into a short walk as I could not physically run (I could barely walk!!) By that afternoon I had seen the Doctor and had been sent straight to the hospital to see the surgical team.

I felt so unwell, but luckily I did not need to stay in hospital (plus they had no beds!!) and I went home in the early hours after waiting there for several hours. I am still not 100% now and am waiting for an emergency scan which will hopefully take place tomorrow. Due to the pain, fever and dizziness along with tachycardia (fast heart rate), it was not a good idea to run a 10k race, as well as travel the distance to take part. So I had to make the decision to not take part on this occasion.

I will still run a 10k to raise awareness for Mind, I am currently waiting to hear if I can take part later in the year at a different event or whether I will be deferred to next year. I am due to run both the 5k and 10k Race for Life runs in the next few months as well as other runs.

“I am not defeated, I am inspired!!”

I had to take some time away as I felt like such a failure, but like everyone else, sometimes we need to be reminded that failing to do something does not necessarily make us a failure – we learn from these events and it allows us to heal and build upon life experience.

So I need to take my own advice and not take the negatives from this experience but turn them into positives.

 

Posted in Books, TV, News and Social Media, Life

Reading – 2018 Book Challenge

So I said to myself I need to read more, the only reading I seem to do is online or study related. So I set myself a challenge:

To go through the alphabet and choose a book starting with each letter of the alphabet and read it. So we are 5 months into the year and I still have not started this. So I have sat down today and drawn up a little table on the computer to start this goal.

So here it is;

Screen Shot 2018-05-17 at 02.22.56

Nice and simple?

I will start filling in the letters with pictures of front covers and will review the books that I feel stand out or I truly recommend and have something to say!!

With only 229 days left of the year I better hurry up. Wish me luck!!

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 7th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 7 – To the colleagues that laughed about mental health.

Now if you have read my previous letters in this series over #mentalhealthweek / #mentalhealthmonth you will see that I have covered this subject, however, I believe it does need a couple of sentences to clear this up;

Firstly,

“Screw You??”

and

“I hope you never feel as bad as myself or others have felt, especially the ones you laugh at – I hope you never feel so bad you want to die.”

That is all. #Shortandsweet

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 6th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 6 – To the Teacher that changed my life.

Not many people say they¬†loved ‘Religious’ classes at school, but I did – actually I Loved them!! Apart from the negative aspects of secondary school like bullying, I loved going to school. Many of my teachers I looked up to but there was one teacher that really inspired and helped me –¬† if that teacher was still here today I would thank her for saving my life.

If you spoke to anyone that knew Miss Bedwyr they would say she was an amazing and inspiring person and that she was a great teacher who really loved helping others, as well as keeping fit running, skiing and I believe she did marathons also. There was also many fantastic outfits and several brightly coloured and patterned pairs of tights.

Not many people, if anyone, knew about the help I received from Miss Bedwyr. Miss Bedwyr knew about my bullies, my eating disorders and knew about some of the events and abuse that I had been through in my life. Even though I denied self-harm, she knew I had self-harmed in the past (cannot really hide scars!!) and knew what to say. Miss B (as we called her) provided advice, guidance and support as well as giving me career advice and suggested reading for pursuing Religious Education. I remember visiting the University in West Wales and listening to stories about where Miss B lived during her studies and spending the day on campus discussing Religious and Theological Studies.

Unfortunately, Miss Bedwyr passed away on August 4th, 2009 due to an accident in Cardiff. I think I would have pursued my career in Religious Education if this had not happened, although I do still enjoy learning about Religion, it hurt too much to actually study and pursue full time. Miss Bedwyr was the type of person that would be proud and enthusiastic, no matter the outcome.

It has been nearly 9 years since Miss B’s passing but thank you for helping me and giving me life-changing support and guidance. Thank You for helping me to see me and look past my circumstances. Thank You for being that person to speak to, even if it meant us eating lunch in your classroom or skipping lunch all together!! You were such a kind and inspiring person. Without your support I may have ended my life before the age of 18.

Diolch / Thank You

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 5th May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 5 – To the ex boyfriend who told me to leave at 03:30AM.

I was 17 when we first met, my first love. He was a colleague, who was a University Student and owned a flat in Cardiff Bay, his parents were lovely and treated me amazingly. I dreamed of our marriage, children and future homes.

Like everyone, we had our little couple arguments, our fun times and sad times. I got to visit Portugal and revisit New York (Business Class!!) as well having supportive ‘in-laws’.

I remember there being an event and the brake lights on the car not working, so I could not pick my boyfriend up from wherever he was (possibly a University event) and he had to take the bus home. I felt terrible but legally I could not drive without any brake lights and being young and a fairly new driver, it would have cost me a lot if I got caught or had an accident. It turns out that the lights were fine but it was the sensor under the brake pedal- it had been forced down during an emergency stop earlier that day and once it is pushed down it to a certain extent it does not rise, meaning the brake lights do not get activated.

Anyway, that night brought an argument¬†followed by a few days of not speaking and a tense atmosphere. In bed at 03:30am I stupidly rolled over and said something silly about me not being spoken to and all I remember being told at the end of that conversation was to “get out” – I was hurt and angry so I got up and started packing ( in my mind it was not my house so if I was being told to go I had to go) I thought by the next day after being up all night packing that it would end with an apology, kiss and makeup situation. But it didn’t, I left.

This was the first impulsive decision I remember making, this was nearly 3 years into my first serious relationship. Bringing many firsts and came to an abrupt end.

Within 6 months I had left the country, changed my hair colour, got more tattoos and had to move back into my parents’ house and I was devastated. My life did perk up when we met for a coffee, I was still naive and thought we would get back together, but we never did. Meanwhile, I was being told he was sleeping with someone else within 3 weeks of me leaving- obviously this was never confirmed by him but judging by her behaviour¬†I think that was the case.

Why am I telling this story? I have never written about it before and maybe it helps me to heal those permanent wounds. Perhaps it could be because it helps me identify when things really started changing for me, when I first started to make impulsive decisions.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have moved on. I am married, with dogs and a house. I have a rough plan drafted out for my future and I am happy with my life. But naturally you can’t help but wonder. You may never read this but I think if you do, you will know it is our story and you may understand how you made me feel, both during the happy times and our ending.

I still cannot listen to this song without feeling sad;

Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they’re not shinin’
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying
She’s so beautiful and I tell her everyday
Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her she won’t believe me
And it’s so, it’s so sad to think that she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me “Do I look okay?”
I say
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change ’cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are
Yeah
Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
Her laugh, her laugh she hates but I think it’s so sexy
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her everyday
Oh you know, you know, you know I’d never ask you to change
If perfect’s what you’re searching for then just stay the same
So don’t even bother asking if you look okay, you know I’ll say
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause, girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause, girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
Yeah

 

Posted in About Me, Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 1st May 2018

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 1 – To the family members that decide to block me on social media and ignore my friend requests.

They say if people ‘unfriend’ you on social media or online groups then to let it go and move on. That is easier said than done if you want nothing more than a family around you. There are certain family members that I do not really know but have met in the past and genuinely like. Yet you unfriend, ignore and block me-well I have one thing to say to you – GO F*CK YOURSELF!!
Just because you may have your family, your friends, children, pets and marriages you don’t need me anymore. I have “Family” that have invited me to events, reunions, weddings, funerals, gatherings, “piss ups” or other get-togethers, but they have also failed to invite me when you have invited the rest of the family. This is fair enough as you may not want me there- I may have forgotten to invite you to events but if I have then I am sorry and may have genuinely forgot because of ‘brain fog’. Also, do not bother saying you forgot or thought I was busy yet say something completely different to other family members or mutual friends.
I am sorry but not all of us had the perfect upbringing and have a loving and ‘together’ family. I went out of my way to help and talk to certain people and you repay me by blocking me on social media, then you unblock me but stop me adding you as a friend or sending messages to check how you are doing.
All I have ever wanted is a loving and caring family, but certain people within the family think they can just ignore me and throw me to the side, I have gone my whole life not knowing my family tree and who I am related to and when I do find out and want nothing more than to get to know my family you take it away and play mind games. It really hurts- this has contributed to my mental health greatly as I have lost the little self-identity I have.
I have lost friends, family and parents, all I want in my life is a bit of identity. I want to go over to join in on the family Sunday Lunches. I want nothing more than to send and receive Easter Cards, Christmas Cards, Anniversary Cards and cards for every other event under the sun. I want family, Love and genuine caring. But you fail to give that. Instead, you make me feel unloved, unwanted and unrelated.
You have made me wish I had never been born.
So go ahead get on with your life, but remember you may be caring to others but to me you have done nothing and made me feel like nothing.
Image may contain: 1 person, swimming and close-up

 

 

 

This is all the family I need!!

 

 

IMG_8036.jpg

 

 

 

 

Posted in About Me, Life, Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Letters – 2nd May 2018 – TW

As May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I had an idea to write a letter each day to a person, or group of people that have had an impact on my own personal health. The first portion of the month has been delayed, however I hope that I will catch up and there will be a daily post. Thank You for taking the time to read these and I appreciate any comments or support you can provide on each post.

Please remember that if you are struggling with your health, both physical or mental, there may be some triggers in these letters-please seek support if you find these letters trigger any distress. Look after yourself!!

Letter 2 – To my old colleagues and your opinions on mental health conditions.

TW – This post discusses negative attitudes to Suicide/suicide attempts.

I have worked in several different areas but one thing stands out across all of my work places (in the UK) – is people’s attitude towards mental health.

I have heard colleagues in previous roles laugh about mental health, I have had to be present when these colleagues laugh and say that they ‘obviously hadn’t done the job properly’ and ask why “these people are ringing for help” and saying “if they want to kill themselves then just do it” or that they hadn’t “done the job properly and should do it properly next time instead of wasting time and ringing for help that, according to you is ‘not deserved’ “.

Some of these people laughing even rang in sick to work due to ‘stress and anxiety’ – then continued to ‘make fun and bully’ complete strangers.

Two colleagues in my role were supportive – I won’t put their names here but E and S were very supportive. S took time from his schedule and was so supportive, I appreciate him telling me his story and being so genuine when I asked for support. I wasn’t scared to be me and I was not made to feel like a liar, small or stupid.

S – You saved my life in a way you will never know. Thank You so much xx

  • To my other colleagues, I have sat behind you while you have talked about me.
  • I have been sat on the opposite table working whilst you have talked about me- I use to set my desk high and chair low, so to you it looked like an empty desk but I was there- whilst you mocked my colleagues and me!!
  • You have mocked my size, my mental health, my physical health and conditions, my marriage and LGBTQ issues.
  • You continue to this day to ban, block and ignore me on social media.

You are lucky!! Continuing to be lucky to this day that I did not take formal action and even criminal action against you.

I hope one day you bullies get treated as bad as the treatment you have given. Whilst I try not to ‘hate’ or treat people badly- I will not go out of my way to support bullies and hypocrites.

You contributed to me hating myself – but you will not win!!